I was scared to sleep at night
You are as good as how you keep yourself up, despite how deep you fall
Last month, if you had a camera secretly inserted into my room’s roof corner to watch me through your computer. You would see me sticking my back to my chair until I badly felt the need to sleep.
It was scary to sleep. I didn't want to sleep. The pain was exaggerating day by day.
A couple of months ago, I finished a Marathon (42.2km run). I got a bit of invincible feeling about how much I can run within this year and next year. I knew my runs were getting better. A few months back I cycled 150km and finished a Half Iron distance duathlon (5km run, 90km cycle and 21km run, in 8.30 hours).
It was total fun and the pain was enjoyable then because it was testing my physical and mental limits. I planned to start training for the Ironman race in 2022 from April itself (Ironman race = 3.6km swim, 180km cycle, 42.2km run to finish in 16 hours). I knew I can finish it because I finished half distance already and now I have 12–14 months to train for this event. All was going well.
Last month, I started having back pain. I went to a physiotherapist and I was healing. But one day instead of getting better, my lower back pain started to get worse. I woke up the next day and could not move an inch.
I was getting a shock in my spine even if I moved a bit. I somehow leaned against the wall. Moved inch my inch and sat on the bed. When I tried to get up. I could not stand it. My legs weren’t supporting. I slowly stretched my legs bit by bit. I woke up at 7 am that day and at 7.40 am I stood on my feet.
I went to the kitchen to check what I can make for breakfast. I was feeling drowsy and though I will take a small nap before I start working. I was a bit scared to go back to sleep because I felt I had to go through this process again.
I went to sleep anyway because I wanted to know if I can getup quickly this time. It didn't take 40 mins this time but definitely, it wasn’t easy. I had to deal with shocks in the spine.
Last year, the pandemic definitely made me a little claustrophobic. When I went to a tea shop or a xerox shop for any prints. I made sure to stand myself far and also when people are near, I started to feel the suffocation.
After a couple of visits to the Doctor and using some medicines. The doctor suggested me to get an MRI done. I went myself for the MRI and it was scary again. This time it was not the shock in the spine. I saw it in movies but personal experience has its own pinch to me.
I felt like I was struck to bed and they were slowly getting me into the MRI machine. I was told it would take 20 minutes. Meaning. I cannot move, talk or do anything. The first couple of minutes I felt breathless and desperately wanted to get out from there, probably from little claustrophobia from last year. But then I didn't want my mind to wander and get into fear.
I started to count numbers and I wanted to count till 1200 (20 minutes roughly). After 130–140 count, I started feeling better and at 540 counts, they pulled me out. I felt a big relief. I pulled my pants up and got away from that place quickly.
When I took the reports to the doctor. He said, I have a bulging disc and in future, I should not be lifting any weights, should not be cycling.
When I heard it, it shattered me and I didn't want to believe what I heard. I built a 5-year plan. I started to make a list of events that I need to be finishing in running, cycling and Triathlons. I was sure to participate in open water swims too.
That night. I was too scared to sleep though I got medicines from the doctor to reduce the pain. I had this thought of, what if I sleep and cannot get up in the morning easily like before.
Thankfully, my medicines worked and I am back on my feet by that day but with very minor pain. But my mind got stuck in negative thoughts. My mind would repeatedly tell me not to go to sleep. I had this fear of — It will be though to get up in the morning. This made me have late sleep nights. My mind started to punch me in the face with all thoughts about how I cannot get back to the sport(s) even after I lay on the bed to sleep.
When I got into this sport(s). I was addicted to having veggies, good food, a good training routine and a year-long plan of what to do. Let’s say in a parallel universe if getting an addiction to veggies and sport was illegal, I would be doing a lifetime prison sentence there.
I posted my report from the MRI in a Triathlon group that has 65000 Triathletes. At least 40 people responded with similar or worse conditions but got back to Triathalon and finished multiple Ironmans. Of course, few people came back after months and few people came back after a couple of years. But they did come back.
That gave me hope. Then I reached out to my physiotherapist and she was very positive about me getting back to the sport. But she told me to first do rehab/strength training and then the Triathlon Training. She said It’s going to take time but definitely can do a good come back to it.
After that, I knew I had hoped to start training again in a few months. Every night when my mind starts punching me with all negative thoughts. I hang on to the hope of coming back and knowing I would see the light. All I have to do is keep doing what I should be doing. That is resting. Day by day, it started to get better.
Many people thought I was overtraining and I had these back pains because of it. I agree that I should have done strength training well. I almost did none from last one year. However, I was told from an X-ray(done later) that this isn’t recent and have been developing for over a while. Could be a year or two or more. We would not know why or when this condition started. Some Incident recently triggered it and was brought to light.
Before this sport, I was reading and writing a lot. Now I am using this time to read, write and some Netflix. When I do this, I feel like I am visiting an old friend who listens to all the conversation I had to say. I guess my old friend here are the words I am writing.
While I continue to follow my Doctor’s prescription which includes a sedentary lifestyle(He actually wrote it in my file along with medicines) for 6 weeks. My nearest goal is to not fuck this up. Full rest for a month. Slowly rehab and in a couple of months, I can start swimming(according to my doctor, not my words).
Triathlon is an endurance sport. You need to endure your mind and then your body. My physiotherapist said — You become an Ironman because you get through all the hurdles including the one you got now. I felt it. Let’s just say that goal is a bit postponed to a later date.
It’s easy to get into the negative cycles. But talking to friends who had similar experiences helps. Self Talk helps. A hobby to pick up that you are passionate about helps. And of course, knowing exactly what happened and re-adjusting our thoughts and goals to align to reality helps. Or at least, those are things that helped me. If you find yourself in negative cycles of thoughts. It’s your responsibility to get out of it. Two words for you if you find yourself there — Amor Fati.
If you are getting into endurance sports or not. Don’t ignore your strength training. Helps prevent injuries. Even otherwise, you don’t want to stoop down and walk when you are old.
